[Content warning: severe internalized homophobia]

Gabriel was on the floor of his study. Kneeling. Praying. Crying. His hands covered his face as if trying to keep out the thousands of thoughts that plagued him, but to no avail. He shouldn't feel this way. He should be worried for Elijah's soul, not feel jealous. But all he could see before his mind's eye was Gabriel gently taking Anthony's hand. It made his entire body ache with anger and longing. God help me. But as he looked towards his crucifix, towards the barely-clad man on it, all he could think of and see was Elijah, barely clad, and he cursed himself for such wicked thoughts. Had Anthony seen him like that? What had they done together? Gabriel covered his face again. No. No. He shouldn't.

Elijah sighed and squeezed Anthony's hand. With the man asleep, he didn't want to leave his side as he clearly wanted to hold onto him. He thought he heard something and called out, hoping he could hear him. "Is.. everything alright?" He frowned, wondering if he'd ruined his slight friendship with the priest and his mind was torn what to do. He spoke softly though didn't try to wake Anthony. "I promise, I'll be back in just a moment." He preferred to have this conversation while this man was asleep anyway. He didn't want to expose Anthony to this.

He carefully slipped free and stood by the door the man had vanished behind and knocked. "Are you sure you're alright? I .. if.. I am sure I've disappointed you. I am sorry I'm not a strong man and I've let you down."

Gabriel sat up when he heard Elijah's voice. He tried to wipe his tears. Then came the knock, and Elijah's voice from just behind the door. Gabriel got up quickly, but dared not speak. He knew that his voice would betray him and he didn't want Elijah to see or hear the state he was in.

Elijah waited but then heard nothing. He hung his head and felt a pain in his chest. While he didn't really regret giving his attention to Anthony in such a way, he should have had a little more tact and not upset the man who'd been so kind and listened to him. With his head hung low, he rubbed at his eyes and tried to mentally compose himself though it didn't work. "I.. I'm so sorry. I've always admired you and now you can't even look at me..." He turned away and returned to Anthony's side and rest his head on his hand, feeling like he was about to cry too.

That made him cry all over. Gabriel put a hand over his eyes and sank down against the wall. He pressed his lips together to stifle a sob, but failed.

Now he knew he heard it. It was crying. His head lifted and he struggled for a moment before walking to the door and knocking again. "Please.. I am so sorry that.. I can't help it. Do .. you hate me now? I know I shouldn't have found someone. It isn't what God wants for me, but.. "He hung his head and wrapped his arms around himself. "It isn't about.. you know.. sin. I just..want to feel a little love in my life. I guess.. I'm pretty pathetic right?" He smiled weakly but felt the tears fall down his face.

Gabriel couldn't bring himself to answer. He didn't know what to say. He rested his head on his knees and wished he was somewhere else. Somewhere far away from the constable he had felt so dangerously connected to. Somewhere far away from this man who had seduced Elijah. Somewhere far away from all these confusing things Gabriel didn't want to feel in the first place.

Elijah frowned more and felt his own voice crack. "Please.. I'm begging you, father.. Speak to me. I.. don't want you to turn on me like this. I know I have done wrong, and I don't deserve forgiveness from God. But I wish it from you. It's important to me. You were someone I could turn to and be honest with about everything. I don't want you to hate me."

Gabriel frowned and grabbed his hair with his hands, pulling it. He wanted to stop feeling upset. He wanted to act maturely and wisely. But he was entirely overcome with pain, confusion and jealousy. "I don't hate you," he finally said in a raw voice.

Elijah hugged himself and leaned against the frame of the door as he listened through the wood, hearing him. "You sound upset. If you don't hate me, you are probably disgusted with me. I .. can't blame you. You had such high hope that I could remain who I've always been. Even though I wasn't happy and weak. I gave in and found someone even if I knew it would damn me more than I already was." He smiled weakly trying to but a silver lining on it for the man. "At.. at least it means I would stop thinking about you, right? So you don't have to be bothered by this guy having impure thoughts about his own priest. That's.. something good that happened?"