Nat took another bite as she thought about that.  If she wanted to be with her parents again, she would want to be like them in faith.  It wasn't something to start up and keep going right away doing, though.  She glanced at Jenny with more thought.  Here she would see them praying often, so that would remind her to do so.  She did want forgiveness for stealing.  She had hated stealing each time she had done so.  But it had been either that or go work in a place where she would be found out and likely bad people would do things to her.

"I can repent of stealing."  She finally spoke again after a while of eating some more of the food.  However, she then paused and looked at Jenny.  "What about a lie that I am still afraid to tell about?  It too has been to protect me when I was out on the streets, and I am feeling safer now than I did there, but I am not yet feeling safe enough to give away it."  She didn't know how to explain it without telling her secret.

Jenny tilted her head. "You mean you lied to people on the streets? Or Mr. Appleton?" She looked at the boy suspiciously. "Lying is wicked. You can ask for forgiveness, but you must also speak the truth."

Nat put down the food and looked at it with a worried expression.  "When I was still with the family that helped me get well after I was out of the hospital, I heard them talking.  I was still weak and had trouble with doing things.  My head hurt so bad still then.  My hair was cut off so the wound on my head could be bound best.  I looked terrible apparently.  Anyway I heard them talking that they wanted to keep me, but the father said they couldn't afford it.  They had four younger than me and a baby on the way.  They fought over it, so I moved out to the fire escape."

She explained softly.  There were women out there talking about how they got started, they were the kind of woman that men would pay for private time."  She explained.  "Some of them were put in an orphanage.  Men and women adopted them then put them to work.  One said she had been adopted to be basically a servant and so she ran away and ended up there.  One said they do the same for boys for working with no pay.   Others were adopted to be put in a workhouse by those that adopted them to get their pay.  I was scared about what would happen to me."  She looked up to Jenny.

"I heard all that over several days and a few weeks as I got stronger and helped around their house as I was more and more able.  I made a plan though.  I knew some of the boys on that street did okay.  They begged, which I didn't really want to do, but some of them did odd jobs.  I thought I could do that, but only the boys seemed to do it.  Some had little sisters, the tiny ones, but once those got older, someone seemed to take them away.  Then I knew why," she frowned.  "After listening to people around there talking."

"I got some clothing from the church boxes for homeless and put together a sack getting a few things that I could use and were not taken from my folks' shop, and a couple of small things of theirs to remember them.  And I left from our area and far enough away that others would not recognize me and I got to know some of the street boys and I learned how they made it.  They taught me how to pickpocket from the richer ones."  She admitted.  "But they also helped me learn where to stay in the winter and in the summer, how to find odd jobs." 

She paused.  "But I wasn't being honest about what I was.  I still am not.  Because I have been afraid that I would be taken away and taken to bad places.  I wanted to be safe and get my own earnings. "  She paused again.  "I am called Nat, always have been, but my full name is longer."  She was still afraid to tell anyone.  She didn't want to lie and she wanted to live as a girl again, but the fear was still strong, and it could be seen in her eyes and face as she continued.  After what she had seen happen to her mother and what she had heard from those in the street, it was a terror to her.

"I work hard and am a good person to hire no matter what I am.  I am just scared to tell anyone the truth."  She had not yet explained what it was that she wanted to say.  Likely it was a bit confusing without that last clue of the situation.  But she was still trying to figure out if she should and all the fears were tangled in there too.

She watched Nat as he spoke, trying to make sense of what the boy was trying to say, but she couldn't figure out what it was that Nat was so secretive about, until the end. And even then, it didn't make sense. "So.. your secret is that someone wanted to take you in, but you ran away...?" She tried, confusion all over her face. "I don't understand. What are you, Nat?"

But just then, Tobias stepped in. "I'm off to see Jimmy and yer mum, Jenny. Mrs. Appleton doesn't want her meal now, but please bring something up to her in half an hour and see if... What's wrong?" He looked from Jenny to Nat.

"They didn't want to then, but if I went out to the streets someone might.. so I..." She started to respond to Jenny's questions but then Mr. Appleton came in and spoke.  She went silent.

She wasn't ready to tell him yet, she might have continued to tell Jenny, but she was still thinking out the religious thoughts and how to deal with what she was considering.  If she told him, he would be angry and send her back to the streets and likely would tell people she was a girl, so she would have to find a different part of town to work or worse yet leave Whitby.  She liked Whitby and she was finding she liked working for Mr. Appleton and getting to know Jenny. 

She shook her head.  "Nothing wrong, just talking about religion and I was thinking of starting praying and trying to get to Heaven like where my folks likely are.  I haven't been doing religious things since they died.  Its a lot of thinking now."

Jenny still did not understand what Nat was going to say when they were disturbed. She did not like the half-lie Nat told their employer, but she did not want to correct it either and get Nat in trouble, especially when they boy was confiding in her. "Please sir. Do forgive me brother," she changed the topic.

"Well, I'm pleased to hear it. Ye can join t' Sunday school on Sunday afternoon." He turned to Jenny. "And aye Jenny, I will. But yer brother could use a little more prayer and reflection 'imself. Well, I'm off." And he left and closed the door behind him.

Nat went back to eating as the other two spoke.  That he would forgive Jimmy seemed to indicate that the man was a forgiving man.  However, would her secret be worse than what Jimmy had done to her?  He had lied.  She was lying as well.  Though not to hurt someone else.  Just to keep herself safe.

She looked to Jenny after Mr. Appleton left and closed the door.  "Thanks.  I am glad he will be forgiving to your brother.  Your brother is just worried that I will mess up his job and future.  I won't.  I can't.  I don't think so anyway."  If she told her secret, she could not have some jobs for sure.  But she wanted this job.  She would work hard in the barn and on the fields even as a woman. 

"I am just afraid, Jenny.  I don't want to be made to do things I don't want to or for someone to hurt me.  I want to tell someone.  I have for some time.  This is not the life my folks wanted me to have.  But they would understand why I am."  She frowned looking at the left amount of food and was not so hungry.

She looked at Jenny with a concerned expression.  "Are you my friend, Jenny?  I haven't had a real friend in a very long time.  And those I had back in London before my folks were killed changed in how they treated me and some just stopped being around altogether."

Jenny put a hand on Nat's hand. And then both hands. She felt sorry for the friendless boy who was so scared, even though she still did not understand what he was scared of. "Aye Nat," she said warmly. "I'll be yer friend. I'm glad to 'ave ye as me friend. Ye needn't be afeard anymore."