Crane picked at his roll. Malachi watched him do it like a hawk might have watched a mouse pick at its nest. His smile seemed to soften.

Seemed to.

"You're right, of course. It means we can't get married."

But a man could not marry another man regardless, so that meant nothing to Malachi. Setting the rest of his roll aside, he retrieved his spoon.

"More specifically, though, it refers to the same sin as is committed in self-pleasure," said Malachi, as casually as if he were talking about the weather. "But the specifics don't matter, I suppose. I've always found it interesting myself. Isn't it curious how many other religions require their holy leaders to be married?"

Not to mention the fact that celibacy was hardly practiced among the priests that he knew. Malachi looked up from his bowl.

"All this to say: it is alright to want something, constable, even if you're told that you're not supposed to."

Elijah finally put a piece in his mouth to delay speaking as he chewed it and glanced towards the priest. He looked down immediately as he thought his words over. Poor Gabrie- Father Richards. Couldn't even please himself! He smiled weakly when he'd finally swallowed, "I honestly don't know much about other religions, Father. So I had no idea it was so common to do the obvious but I suppose that makes sense. And i honestly didn't consider all your position entails. I don't know how you do it."

His smile faded at the words about wanting something. "But ... I shouldn't want it. I do want it, and I know ... I'm not alone in wanting this. But I can't and there is a wall put up that can't be taken down. And it doesn't matter if I want it, it is cruel to dangle it there and I can't have it. I need to want something I'm allowed to have. But I don't know how.." he frowned more as he didn't really want to want anything else but his beautiful and kind priest who was probably at home reading his bible.

Once the constable began to speak, Malachi took the time to bring a spoonful of stew to his mouth. Still hot, the steam warmed his nose, and he blew on it lightly while he listened.

Didn't know much about other religions, Crane said. That was alright. Malachi supposed he knew enough about the one that mattered to him.

Taking the spoon into his mouth, he gave another low hum. He could not argue with the constable's logic, though he found logic rather misplaced in matters of the heart. Malachi looked away from him for a moment to consider his words, holding the spoon in his mouth as if he'd forgotten it was there.

"Try not to concern yourself with what you should or should not want, or do," he advised, pulling the clean spoon away. "That is far too much to burden yourself with right now. If you want to move on from him, focus on what else might capture you, not on whether or not you should want something in the first place."

Elijah slowly ate some of his own stew as he listened and thought about the man before him. He wasn't as bothered as he had been a moment ago. Malachi gave him good advice.

He thought for a moment, before putting down his own spoon. "The thing is... I tried to forget him once before.. I didn't know how he felt at the time. But any chance I had to return to him, I took it. And in the end I felt awful for what I had done to him. Both of them. I felt like I'd been untrue to the one that I thought was one sided and I'd used the other. " He sighed staring down and started to tear at the roll again.

"I am sorry. I hope I am not ruining your meal. You are being kind to a sinner like me. I am most gracious."

For all of his sudden interest in the conversation, Malachi adjusted accordingly as the constable went on. Loosened the involuntary pulling at the corners of his mouth, dampened the enthusiasm that bled through the highs and lows of his voice.

He brought another spoonful of stew to his mouth, nodded for Crane to continue, and had another spoonful after.

Crane was pitiful, but at least he could cook.

Malachi lifted his head at the apology, setting his spoon aside for the time being.

"Please," he began, "you are apologizing far too much when you've done nothing to wrong me."

He grabbed his half-eaten roll to occupy his hands. He hated sitting down for meals with other people -- at least when he was standing, he had an excuse to hide them away in his pockets or hold them behind his back.

"All of us are sinners. And you, constable, are not any worse than anyone else. If you have always returned to him, then that is where you should start: do not return to him again. If it is by his decision that you cannot... be together, then you are only hurting yourself more by expecting him to change his mind."

Elijah looked down sheepishly as he ate slowly. "Sorry... Ah! I mean.. its a habit of mine. I feel like something is always amiss and if I can't fix it I apologize."

He smiled weakly and rubbed the back of his neck for a moment .

"Maybe. I mean, he said we should stay apart. I guess I always hope but... I shouldn't. As much as I want this. I want him, and ...I shouldn't have him anyway. " He owed his eyes in frustration but gave up and sighed.
"I'll stay away unless needed in a professional manner. Thank you."

He took another spoonful of stew. "I hope the food is palpable, Father. Would you like some milk or something to drink?"

No man should be raised according to the belief that all the world's issues were his own. What a terrible thing it was to shoulder the guilt of every wrong, every mistake; to think that it was his own duty to correct them; to always carry the suspicion of something being amiss because something in his life always was, because he could not afford to let it go.

Crane reminded him in many ways of himself. A repressed, kinder version of himself, if he had been half as prudent as he should have been.

Malachi set the roll down, but his eyes were fixed on Crane. Something in them seemed to soften, as if warmed by the sight of his sincerity.

People were... always honest, in their own ways. Even when they lied. Most scrambled for a chance to talk about themselves, too, even when everything in them warned against it. The constable had been nothing but honest with him since they'd met, and it struck him then that this man -- this better, kinder man -- truly only wanted to help.

That was what made him a far better man.

"The food is perfect," he assured. "I'll just have some water. Thank you."

Alright, but what the fuck was up with people always offering milk lately? What strange need did they fulfil in watching him drink it?

Ah, there it was: suspicion.

"You do not have to answer, constable, but this person that you were with before... did you have feelings for him?"

Or, Malachi left unspoken, was he just a distraction for you?

Elijah felt the eyes on him and looked up to notice the priest staring at him. He didn't have any cruelty in the expression, he seemed rather kind about it but the constable was one who didn't like being looked at. It made him think of his harsh self criticisms and he wanted to hide. He smiled weakly at the other man, grateful to hear he liked the food. He felt confident he wasn't a terrible cook, but he still found it comforting to hear some sort of compliment.

"Of course, I'll get your water..." He got up to get the man a cup of water and set it down before sitting again to return to his food. He then realized he'd stopped eating but before he could ask the man had his own question. It had him pause and he nervously folded his hands on the table before him as he hung his head.

"It.. I do not have feelings for him, but.. " He pressed a hand to his face to shield any notice of the other's expression. "I was lonely and he was one of the very very few men I ever knew to have.. my .. tendency. He liked me, but I should have not let that be what turned me. He was on the wrong side of the law more often than not, and someone who demanded attention and got into fights and said very cruel things just to get a reaction. He was the opposite of what I'd ever wanted in someone and I'd have not if I had bothered to spend any time to get to know him. I can not blame him for my rush into wanting to feel something with someone..just once. But it was wrong of me. " he sighed heavily looking down. "I do not know where he is now, but I do hope he finds some form of happiness wherever.. whatever it is he really wanted.." He still frowned thinking of their last days in each other's presence. He hadn't been a perfect gentleman himself in the matter.

Malachi waited patiently for Crane to bring his water, and dipped his head in silent gratitude when it was set before him. He took a long sip of it as the constable spoke, careful to avert his gaze. Not what he preferred, not one bit, but he'd noticed his apparent dislike for being looked at and didn't care to agitate the poor man's nerves any more than necessary.

The cup was set down with a soft clink. Something in Crane's story raised his brow, along the way, and the priest's cautious look only grew more concerned.

There were a lot of things to dissect there. Of all the things he could have asked, though, he started with:

"You mean besides then, you haven't ever...?"

For once, Malachi left something unsaid for propriety's sake.

Fuck, how old was Crane? Had he really never been intimate with anyone until then? It couldn't possibly be that hard to find men of their tendencies in Whitby if one knew how to look, but then again... Crane was awfully nervous. The poor thing probably hadn't the first clue.

As he had returned to his seat and ate some of his roll after telling some of his history, he was feeling better. To have someone he could be so honest with and unload his secret past , letting it all out.

As soon as he swallowed, the other man spoke and he was grateful he had because otherwise he was certain he'd have choked. The other man seemed surprised it was his only time. He looked over confused and surprised then down at the table.

"Well... yes. I never went looking for someone. I refused since it was wrong. I focused on my job and I mean.. it's not like I never wanted to. But it's easy when you don't know if anyone would ...be like that. And I couldn't risk asking someone who didn't. Besides. Even if I knew someone the could have found my scars disturbing. I have enough troubles without that extra rejection. "

His voice faded as he looked down, feeling shame stir up again. "I never felt so lonely and wanting someone until I met a guy I truly wanted. It's weird . And I wish I could go back to the way things used to be. I was never happy and never knew what love could feel like. But it also meant I never noticed the absence so heavily."