“Wh-,” Father Brennan’s words were hard to understand. But there was more. Gabriel held his tongue. He only wiped his tears with the back of his hand as he listened. He tried to calm his breathing and stop crying. What did the priest mean by his spirit, his nature, his design? Gabriel was working so hard at gaining it back, did Brennan not see that?

“No - no not the church. I could never leave the church. But the priesthood. I -,” Father Brennan did not seem to doubt his vocation, at least. “I doubt I could leave, just that I’ve felt at times I should. It wouldn’t solve my problems, father. And I wouldn’t expect it to. I doubt it would change my… feelings… regarding men. They’ve always been there, though not like this. It’s…” He closed his eyes and shook his head while he searched for the words.

“I haven’t doubted my vocation because I believe I would be happier elsewhere. Only I feel unworthy, and I am beginning to question whether I ever…” Really felt the vocation. “You say I’ve neglected my spirit, my nature. I have tried so hard to gain back the spirit I used to possess, and to be what God designed again.

“I used to be different. Kinder. And patient. I knew what I was doing and why. There was hardships, but my heart was open to God and to the people. I did…! I did possess that fire, that passion,” he affirmed mostly to himself. “A want to be that person again. But its like the fire’s gone out and no matter how hard I pray, it will not be rekindled.” He sighed. Then he added quietly, defeated: “So that now, at times, I wonder if it was really ever there in the first place, or whether I’ve imagined it, and was always this depraved…”