[Content warning: Homophobia and religious views towards it]

Elijah was a mess. Why didn't Zechariah give that man pants?! The image still bobbed to and fro in his head. It had affected his dreams. Distracted him from his work. He knew he was abnormal. Ever since he was a teen and most guys ran after girls, he had become awkward since he did not follow them. It had help him fall into his career as he focused his mind elsewhere. Unfortunately, it seems years later, that so much avoidance of such thoughts, the smallest reminder has these avoided feelings and sensations come tumbling full force. It was bad enough, but it also made him feel ... wrong. Not just in the wrong, but that he was sick. Perhaps physically but definitely mentally and spiritually. He knew where he had to go, even if it didn't have answers.

Finding the place somewhat empty, but it was the perfect time for confession. He made sure no one was watching and slipped behind the door. He rarely came here, he knew he wasn't perfectly religious but he had tried to at least make church if work didn't come first. 

"I."He coughed and tried to roughen his voice up a bit and lower it. He could not bear to be recognized. "I.. need to speak.. to you father. In.. confidentiality."

It was quiet. Only one person had come so far. But Gabriel preferred having set times for confession, rather than waiting for people to ask for the sacrament. His predecessor seemed to have put enough obstacles in the parishioners' way. This way at least they didn't have to give away their identity. And who knew? Perhaps if people saw that the sacrament was available, even those who would not normally come to confession would try. There was a lot of work to be done here.

He was seated in the middle box, clad in black cassock and purple stole. He had started praying psalms while he was alone, but had started dozing off. When he heard someone approach, however, he sat up and removed the board over the grate, so that he could hear the penitent's voice.

It was a man's voice. Gabriel did not look at the grate, as he did not want to give the man the feeling he was trying to peer through. Instead, he looked straight ahead. "A confession or a pastoral talk?" he asked, since the other man seemed confused. Perhaps he was not a regular.

Elijah ran a hand down his face, taking a shaky breath. "B-both, father.. but.. please.. I must ask. No, beg of you. Be kind upon me for I suffer enough for what I am..about to say. I wish I knew a solution. I've kept to to myself for so long.."

He tried to speak respectfully but that damned stutter peaked through. Peak through... Damn it!! He leaned his head forward into his hands. 

"It has.. been a while .. since my last confession. I am sorry I ...do not come to church as often as I wish. I've never been a highly religious man, but I've tried to avoid sin. I try to help people and be good. I may not be as.. respected in town but it is not without trying." He ran one hand through his hair.

"Sorry i.. I am rambling. I'll get to the point father. You see... since I was young. I. I have had no interest in women." His voice faded and he had to truly struggle to continue. "Only men." His voice cracked and he felt the tears in his eyes as he stared at the grate, fearful any moment the man would come to open the door and expose him. "I have never acted upon it! I have done everything to avoid such .. unholy thoughts. And I have managed to go through life simply unattached and cutting off that part of my mind. But an..ahem.. incident recently.. has brought it all tumbling back. I can not think clearly and need to move past it but it is proving difficult. What can I do, father? I need your guidance.... please."

The man seemed distressed. Gabriel wanted to tell him not to be afraid. That he wasn't here to condemn. But before he could even say anything, the man already continued. He did not use the proper format for a confession, but once the actual confession came, Gabriel could not even speak to interrupt him. His heart beat fast and he felt the need to swallow a few times. He rested his forearms on his knees and leaned forward as he listened. He closed his eyes. I know.

He usually felt compassion for the penitent, especially when they seemed upset. But this time the compassion was almost overwhelming.

He opened his eyes, but remained quiet for a moment, steadying himself. In the dark, he placed a hand against the wood underneath the grate, almost affectionately. Then he pulled back. He searched for words, eager to comfort. To make him feel better. To help him bear that terrible, lonely burden. He looked up at the grate, and then back down.

"I am not here to condemn you," he finally said in a quiet voice that was a bit higher than usual. "This is not a place of judgement, but of healing and reconciliation. Whatever desires are in you, whatever you struggle with or what you have done, your very coming here and searching for forgiveness is pleasing to God." Her furrowed his brows. "What... I'm sorry for asking this... what happened to cause this relapse? Have you sinned with another man?" He felt nervous about hearing the answer.

Relief washed over him like finding an oasis in a desert. The priest was so kind and hadn't immediately told him how his very soul was tarnished for what he couldn't seem to control. The question that followed though had him sit up straighter.

"N-No! I have never.. done.. anything . There was a man in..distress who had lost his clothes. He had been given some clothing but it was.. inadequate. I saw ...ah.. him .. multiple times, though I assure you it wasn't by choice. Purely accidental.  But since then.. it returns to me. I feel like a beast for letting some visual display get to me. "

He frowned deeper and stared at his feet, now convinced the priest wouldn't do anything to shame him before others. His gloved hands shakily ran over his knees as he tried to calm himself.

[Content warning: Blasphemous pun]

Gabriel felt a sense of relief. No uncomfortable details he would have to ask for. "You are not a beast." he said quietly. "We can't always control what we see... or what it does to us. What matters is the will and the effort to live holy lives and keep our thoughts holy..."

Try keeping your thoughts holy when every time you prayed Mass there was a half-naked man upon the cross. The son of God did indeed look divine.

"Perhaps... perhaps it would be easier to direct your attention elsewhere, rather than spend all your energy trying to fight these thoughts."

Elijah wilted and slumped forward. "H-how? I already try to put my energy into my work. I have so little else. I do not even have much of a personal life. I promise, father. I am not trying to be difficult. I am so very grateful for your help. I want to pretend these thoughts did not exist and I try to simply let it go and focus my mind on my work. It isn't helping though. And every time I catch myself..I feel worse and worse. "

A small cry came from him, it was so unfair and frustrating. He wiped tears as they had reappeared. "I have already had terrible misfortune in my life I must live with. I do not know why I must be.. cursed is the only word I can find that does justice for the misery that this causes me.."

Gabriel sighed and closed his eyes again. He wished he had answers. But he had none. He did not understand why... some people struggled with these feelings. Nor did he know how they could be dealt with.

"You mustn't be so hard on yourself.... Living a holy life is not about being free from temptation. It is about having the courage to face it, even if you have to face it every day. And when you fall, you ask God for forgiveness and try again. Even if you sin every day, every minute of the day, if you keep asking forgiveness and keep trying, that is still a holy life. You are not cursed. You are loved."

Love. Wasn't every heart craving for that love, that Gabriel believed finally only God could give? All their lonely hearts. He put his hand against the wood again. He wished he could make the suffering man feel loved.

Elijah listened and blinked. Was... was the priest telling him it was alright to sin as long as he regretted it? It caused a blush and then that sick feeling he was a disappointment and wrong again. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

"I .. I do not want to fall. I fear if I fall it would be harder to get back up. Besides, if .. anyone found out. My life would be ruined. I am a man of the people. I work with the town and try to protect and help them. No one would want my help or trust me if they knew. I'd probably be treated like a monster. This job is my life, this town is my home. I thank you for letting me know God would still love and forgive me. I wish life were so simple. "

He sighed, feeling only marginally better, but letting it out helped.

"I guess there is no cure for my condition. I just.. have to keep doing what I've been doing and hope it fades away once more. Thank you Father for being so compassionate. It must have been hard on you to try to see things from my perspective. I am very grateful, I will make sure to be here Sunday to show my gratitude to the church."

[NB: link leads to video]

Gabriel removed his hand from the wood and put his hand together as if in prayer. "I'm not saying it's okay to allow yourself to sin. I'm just saying... God's love and forgiveness are bigger. You can begin anew all the time." But that did not solve the unforgiving nature of other human beings. He gave no answer, for he had none.

"It will be good if you come to Mass and other prayer moments regularly. It might strengthen you spiritually against such temptations."

"Do you have any other sins to confess?"