He shook his head sadly, "I can't, I can't just make it better. there is no washin my hands clean of the past. So even with what i've done I have to ask you to trust me. If it came down to it, i would defend us. I won't lie to you about that. if it came to a choice of me killing someone, or them seriously hurtin you...or worse...i can't say i wouldn't shoot them. A while back, when i lost my temper on that shop keeper, the one that called you a frog?" Sam shook his head. it still made him a little angry, infact he had thought about going back to thst shop, breaking a window and seeing how much horse manure he could find to throw through but ultimately decided against it

"I'll admit that got to me, i likely would have said worse had you not been there. I've been trying to work on it, to change my mind from five years of livin in the mountains intimidating folks for cash. its takin time, but i don't wanna land myself in jail or on the end of a rope an risk losin you." He rubbed her back, he was sure he had scared her, but he didn't know what else to do to try and comfort her, if he even could. "All i can do is swear to you I will not get violent unless it comes to protectin this family, and hope you can trust me to hold to that."

She closed her eyes, her heart still hammering in her chest. "You have to make something right," she said so quietly. she bit her lip, not pulling away, leveling her eyes upon his and facing the man who had just confessed his evil doings to her. She had never been this close to a killer before knowing he was telling her he thought himself a monster, yet would a monster have told her his misdoings to her? How did one move on from something of this nature? "I'm not hurt," she said, at least not like he was asking. Her eyes opened to peer at him and she wasn't sure what else to ask. It was strange, overwhelming. She wanted very much to know what to do.

Sam sighed, not annoyed, just lost, "I don't know how to make it right. if i could take it back i would but i can't." in a way he was still afraid to touch her too much, but he couldn't just let her sit in the floor where she fell either. " we need to get you off the floor..." if she allowed it he would pick her up in his arms, carrying her back to the settee and placing her there gently, otherwise he would help her back to it.

"if i go back, i'll be killed...an thats likely what i deserve after all i did. the thought of leavin you behind alone though..." he cupped his hand over his face for a few moments. he wasn't afraid to die, that was his every day risk for the last five years. was this really his only options, leave and die to make things right, or stick around and likely loose all trust she had for him. That feeling of being completely lost was back, stuck in the proverbial rock and a hard place scenario.

She felt light headed at the moment and she said, "I think I need help to the bed, Sam." Her voice was almost too soft to hear as she spoke. Her pulse seemed way too fast at the moment. What he had said was a lot to take in. She was in a state of shock at the moment. "And don't... don't leave me. I don't think I can handle life without you, Sam. But this frightens me for you. I want you to atone somehow, can you do that? Can you promise me you'll put the guns away and keep them there?" She was wheezing at that point and her belly roiled with nausea. She knew that it was wrong for him to have done those things, but she thought she was detecting his remorse.

Cerise couldn't keep from trembling.

Sam nodded his head, he was worried for her. he picked her up gently. cradling her carefully in his arms as he took her to the bed. "we need to get that corset off so you can breathe." he had seen how tight it was getting, it couldn't be helping her. He would help her remove what was needed to breathe a little easier, and when she asked him to put away his gun he stopped. Could he? had hadn't gone without a gun on his hip even before he turned to theft and murder.

He stood away from the bed, drawing his colt and looking at it with a strange face, almost as if he was confused as to what he was looking at. seconds that seemed like forever went by before he looked to her again, and he kept his eyes on her the whole time he spoke, " I don't know how to atone." He cocked the hammer to half. "I can't think of any good way to wash my hands clean." Sam opened the gate to the cylinder and pointed the gun up. "But if it'll help, and its what you want..." he began to rotate the cylinder, dropping the cartridges from the chambers into his free hand. Sam then moved, pulling the large lockbox from under the bed and unlocking it. He removed his gun belt, putting the colt back in its holster, then folding the best into the box next to his rifle. The lid closed, he locked it and pushed it back under.

Sam stayed in this position, kneeled next to their bed and looking at her. to someone who had trusted his entire life to those weapons this was up there in terms of biggest shows of trust, at least to him. "I won't kill again. i'll find other ways to keep you safe." and with that he held the key out to her. one could argue that getting rid of them completely would be better, but Sam couldn't do that. not when they had been the last gift he had been given, but from now on they would collect dust.

She desperately wanted to believe him. When he handed her the key, though, solidified the belief that he was willing to try. She let him help her out of the tighter clothing down to her shift. She took the key and tucked it away for the moment, thinking she would hide it better once he was out of the house. Then she started to doze and fell into a deep sleep again. The stew and bread would have to wait for later, he might have to bring it to her. She was so tired.

Sam sat with her until she was asleep, stroking her hair softly. He couldn't wait anymore, easiest way to get her to see a doctor would likely be to bring them here. He kissed her forehead carefully so as not to wake her, he hadn't paid attention to where she tucked the key, right now he didn't care. Either taking her to the doctor or getting one to come here, it needed to be done. he was worried about how tired she always seemed, and he was no expert in what to expect from pregnancy. for now, after such a heavy conversation he just carefully laid down with her, his hand stroking her belly slow and soft while she slept.

She stayed in bed regardless of her state of sleep that afternoon. There were times when she was awake and staring at the wall, At some point, hunger kept her awake. She frowned softly, glancing around to make sure he was in the room with her or not far. His location would cause a shift in volume either way. Assuming he was still in the room, she'd say it quietly, "Sam? I think I am ready to eat... would you please?" She was so groggy that it was a mumble more than a graceful murmur. Regardless of her feelings about the situation they were in, with her feeling so tired all the time and losing hours working. She wasn't sure how to take in any of what they had talked about, but fearing him would not solve what was happening. She needed him but she felt guilty needing him. It was greatly complicated to her, her life was now intertwined with someone who had killed quite a few times. That was monumentally scary, but she wasn't afraid of him. She was beginning to wonder what to do now. Her thoughts were a continuous mess in her head currently, everything seeming to rush about a bit or slow down too much. Something about time felt somewhat skewed.

Sam was still in the room, sitting at the window and looking out. he knew it was going to cause trouble telling her, but he couldn't keep lying by omission either. When she spoke he looked over to her and nodded, giving her a soft smile before he spoke, " Of course." with that he went to the kitchen to get her a bowl of stew and a plate to hold her bread. his own head was racing, he should have told her before, what if he had caused her too much stress with the baby? no, today or tomorrow there needed to be a doctor visit of some kind, even that worried him though since she would likely get angry and stressed all over again but what options were there? sit back and wait? maybe he should ask sue? His mind was in a tornado, but he put in a calm face for Cerise.

She yawned and gazed up at the ceiling while he was gone from the room. She hadn't been to a church since she lived at the orphanage. Had omitted things from him too, but they weren't as stark as his were. His were worse by far than anything she'd ever done. She known her place in the world long before meeting him, but now she wasn't sure about anything. She moved to sit up against the pillows and she raised both of her kneed up, wrapped her arms about her legs and just couldn't help but to weep a little. She wasn't sure what to do, nothing seemed to be right. She stared out the window for a long time, taking note of the changing colors in the sky.

She wanted very much to slip outside just to lie down in the grass to gaze up at the sky for hours. Maybe she would crawl out onto the roof one night even. She missed doing it.