His heart missed a beat when Elijah mentioned distancing himself from him to avoid temptation. He instantly put his face in his hands and mentally beat himself up. What sort of animal was he?

But he sat up when Elijah mentioned sleeping in the same bed. "That's... Why would you place yourself in such a situation in the first place?" And he could not help his voice sounding angrier than he had intended. Gabriel put his hands over his eyes.

Elijah actually gasped at the anger in his voice. He hung his head and his voice cracked as if he were about to cry.

"Actually, t-t-the holding at night hasn't added towards any desire. I know, you can't understand, but... due to my scars and.. other things.. I've always felt undesirable and more like a monster.. I never was close to anyone. I've discovered, d-due to.. his acceptance of me.. I like having contact with someone. It has little to do with ...that.."


Of course, liking him didn't hurt.

"I would probably enjoy..doing that.. with a woman too, but that would certainly be..seen as.. scandalous and wrong by others. And give them the wrong idea. So.. It's just him. It has helped me. I am sorry I've .. upset you so. I.. I will stop it, then.. if it is.. so wrong." He leaned forward putting his face in his hands. He hadn't felt so wrong and dirty in a long time.

Gabriel pressed his temples with his fingers. How could he hear this man's confession as a priest, when it all upset him so personally. "You haven't upset me. It's your soul I'm worried about." But that wasn't entirely true. "I'm sorry to hear that you have felt so lonely and undesirable. But... for those who chose not to get married, the loneliness is part of life. You can't make up for that with... indecent encounters. It will eventually tempt you to sin. And ave you even considered what it does to that man? Especially if you both feel that way, it's important that you set clear boundaries."

Elijah didn't know if this was such a good idea any more, but he didn't know which part he meant. Both sides had their positives and negatives in spades. He was quiet for a long time. 

"Sometimes, I.. feel.. like I don't .. know anymore. I want to be a little happy. Having him in my life is giving me happiness, but clearly I am shy and fearful to sin. But I also feel, it isn't fair.  A family friend found herself in the family way with a boy she loved but he didn't care about her at all. It has turned the family upside down and it will only get worse. Some people blaming themselves or each other over a mistake from a young heart that was misguided. And now her future is so dark and cloudy..."

He clenched his fists and felt the tears sting his eyes. "I think... it isn't fair for God or society to be so cruel to people. If I didn't want to sin but accidentally let someone touch my heart that made me want to, just a little, it isn't fair I have to push them away from me so I don't make a mistake. It makes life feel harder to live. When you realize there could be something better out there, but it's not for you. You aren't allowed to enjoy it, even a little..."

"You are allowed to enjoy friendships," Gabriel argued, feeling himself become more unsettled with every minute. "You just have to set healthy boundaries. I don't know why some people have greater challenges than others. We'll never know at this side of heaven. But you have yours to face, and you must face them responsibly." He really wanted to get up and walk away from the confessional and cry.

Elijah frowned and stared down. "It isn't fair though." He said weakly almost sounding defeated. "I first meet an incredible guy but I can't even be his friend because he's the priest. And then I met a really nice guy who makes me feel special for once in my life, and I have to push him away too." He shook his head sadly. "I can't imagine why God wants to test me so. It feels like he's messing with me to see how miserable I can be until I crack."

Gabriel found himself aching. He bit his lip and tried hard not to cry. He closed his eyes. "I-,' he tried not to let his voice break. "I don't know what to tell you..." Defeated at last. Here he was, beholding all those doubts and feelings he had pushed away and ignored for so long. Why was he even here, doing this?

Elijah felt broken and just terrible. "I.. I am sorry. I must be the entire worst person in the entire church. I come to you for confession, yet I am not happy with your advice. I want to be a good Catholic and follow as I should. But it seems like I was born to have trouble obeying." He sniffed and shook his head. "Or maybe I'm just making excuses. I don't know anymore. I just know, I'm not happy and it feels like the harder I try the less happy I am. I .." He stood weakly and wiped his eyes. "Maybe I should just go.. and think about things. I feel like, I don't know what to do anymore."

Gabriel put his hand against the wooden board that separated them. "Elijah..." Shit. He wasn't supposed to know the person on the other side. Or get personal. And yet, he already had. "You're not a bad man..."

Elijah shook his head and frowned painfully. "D-don't be kind to me, Father. You are being kind, but you must find me as awful as anyone else would if they found out the truth. Even if I never did.. that .. with a man. I might as well have if they found out and judged me. You are trying to lead me to the right path, a-and I appreciate it. I truly do. But I keep failing you and myself and everything else. Even though I'm trying my best to avoid sin.. I am weak and feeling weaker all the time. It isn't because the desire is growing, it is because I want to enjoy something in my life. If I could have enjoyed women I would probably go weak and seek out a woman who could handle me for my scars and marry her. I don't want to be terrible. I just can't find a way to be happy and the way God wants me to be. And.. it isn't fair I have to .. just.. not be happy."

He hung his head and found himself crying a little.